(and also not very nice)
I have spent rather a long time deciding exactly how I should compose this post, and whether or not it's a particularly good idea (which I'm not that sure it is...but oh well), and god it's been difficult. So without further ado.....
I have now been living the blissful life of Alexandra House with the "boeuf" (Andrew) for a grand total of TWO weeks. And oh yes, it really has been bliss. So blissful in fact that i have had time to reflect on a few things which I certainly wont be missing from my residency in Regents Court.
Funnily enough they all seem to revolve around a certain ex-flat mate who, for the past year, has been the BAIN OF MY LIFE!! Along with her oaf of a boyfriend (other ex-flat mate) who quite frankly I can no longer stand.
Would you believe these were once good friends of mine?!
Anyhow, the story goes....Andy and I move out of Regents Court on June 12th....half a month before the end of our contract. Little miss skank (as I shall now refer to said ex-flat mate) stays there un till the end of the month.
So Andy and I think....well, it's a bit damn unfair for us to have to go back at the end and clean up an extra two weeks of her mess. So we make and agreement with little miss skank that we will (once moved out) hastily return and give the flat a thorough cleaning...till it's spotless. Surely this would be doing her a favour as she doesn't have to put up with any mess we leave behind and therefore only has her own filth to clean up when she leaves. But ofcourse she isn't happy because she realises that means that she WILL have to clean up all her own filth... by herself!
Anyhow....we still go along with this because she doesnt argue back (besides...her oaf of a boyfriend "Goliath" as I shall call him...wont be there to back her up). We go back to the flat and spend a whole 4 hours cleaning....EVERYTHING! Scrubbing the oven, wiping the piss stains off the toilet, the shower, the sink, mopping and hoovering floors, cleaning the surfaces...the whole shebang! It was tough but after alot of hard work we get there in the end. After, just to clarify that there is no more cleaning that could possibly be done, we consult the hall manager... Diane, who comes up and inspects our hard work. She see's that we have done an excelent job and that the place is spotless, so leaves a note on the side for Little Miss Skank and Goliath asking them to please keep it clean untill they leave.
So.... what was Little Miss Skank's response?
Well 3 days passed and randomly on a Saturday evening I receive the following text:
"Hey emma. Hope all is well in the new pad. When your passing through here over the next few weeks please make sure u keep the kitchen bin tidy. Just had to get rid of lots of your and Andy's rubbish from it. Thank you kindly. Del x".
So she spent 3 days in rage at the fact that not only has we gone and made the place spotless, but that Diane had seen it. And it took her that long to think up something petty to moan about.
It's like....that message was basically "friendly, friendly, friendly, SNIDE COMMENT, friendly."
Firstly I would like to clarify that any rubbish in that bin can't have been ours seeing as we had MOVED OUT! and also...it was her own filth that we had to put in the bin!
I thought up numerous possible responses to this text including:
- "Fuck you, you skanky bitch"
- "Actually that was YOUR rubbish.
- "Well if thats the thanks we get for 4 hours of cleaning up your filth, then frankly edel I don't want to hear it! End of."
I have since returned to the flat and seen that our cleaning efforts were completely wasted. But who cares, she has to clean it all up by herself. Oh wait...no, she'll get her oaf to come and do it for her.
I have also since learned of her winges to the oaf about our cleaning. Apparently she returned to the flat and ended up inhaling oven cleaner...and some how that was our fault. Well firstly Little Miss Skank, you shouldn't have been such a silly bint as to have stuck your head in the oven and breathed in! Also, if you'd ever ACTUALLY cleaned the oven, then you'd realise that there is a risk of this happening.
Andy too has since recieved malicious emails from the Oaf (a former friend of his). I wont go into detail about these because your probably already getting an bit tired from reading all of this. And I wouldn't want to prolong the wait for the juciest bit yet.
The Sins of Little Miss Skank:
(a compendium of all the filthy and immoral things I have witnessed over the year)
(in order of disgustingness)
- The time she broke Andy's plate and left him a note saying she would replace it when Dave (the oaf) got some money. Only that Dave found this note, the plate turned out to be his and went spako!
- When I got a hamster, she had to get a hamster.
- When I got a tattoo she wanted a tattoo (but was too chicken to get one).
- When I bought a record player so she wanted a record player.
- The last summer where she desperately tried to get her same hair the same shade of red as mine.
- Then dyed it black because I dyed mine black.
- All the times she has helped herself to my shaving foam, painkillers, toothpaste....(which was even kept in my own draw), food, toilet roll etc...
- The time she rang her parents for more money because "she didnt have enough for groceries" then actually spent it all on getting her hair done.
- All the toothpaste globs she's left in, on, underneath and around the bathroom sink.
- The several occasions of carelessness where she proceeded to break atleast 3 of my hamster balls.
- When she dropped my iron
- Then assumed that MY iron and ironing board were communal (when packing up to move out).
- She also tried to make a claim on my Kettle, my mop and buckett & my blue plastic cups.
- When she's clearly been shaving her legs in the bathroom skink and left her razor plus all her shavings in the sink.
- The time she left a used plaster floating around in the bottom of the shower for weeks on end.
- The time i returned to the recently cleaned flat to find the toilet in this state!
- And finally the time she left a used, blood stained tampon tube next to the bathroom sink!
So goodbye to you, you little filth bag! I could never have said all this to your face because as always you would have just whined loudly in that annoying irish accent of yours.
For those of you reading this thinking...."man, that was un called for"....well that was my BACKLASH!